Having Election Anxiety? Therapists Report Trump Trauma

If you’re finding that your emotional well-being is being challenged by this presidential election, you are not alone. The Washington Post writes, “Psychologists and massage therapists are reporting ‘Trump anxiety’ among clients.” According to the Post, what seems to be anxiety producing is, “How can Trump be so divisive AND popular at the same time?”

Photo courtesy of Pixabay.com

My own case of Trump Trauma started shortly after the Republican candidate called Mexicans “rapists.” Like many, I thought, “Well, that will end his campaign.” But that didn’t happen. His rallies grew and so did my anxiety level.   

His insults continued. He mocked the disabled and people of color, and he body-shamed women. We then saw tapes of him bragging about sexually assaulting women while proclaiming, “No one is more respectful of women than me.”

And yet, Republicans didn’t get out of endorsing him while I was having a hard time getting out of bed. Seeing women wave “Women Support Trump” signs, I took to having a cocktail – maybe two -- after the evening news.

There was no 12-step program or halfway house to get over the mania. Going “Trump Free” was impossible as he was on every iPhone news feed, the subject of every Facebook conversation, and even sleep provided no escape as he appeared in my dreams to tell me I was not a 10.  Still, I heard him saying, “You’re fat, you’re old, I’m going to grab you by your pussy, and you can’t stop me!”

In that dream, Trump’s face was replaced by my father’s. Although there was little resemblance between his family and mine, in therapy, the connections surfaced. Both Trump and my father had an undue sense of privilege. In the 1950’s, men were thought of as princes. When nights became violent, my mother made sure that by morning everything looked perfect. The man leaving our home, in a coat and tie, was off to work, providing for his family and a dutiful wife who took care of the house. Those who knew the truth about what was going on in our family – my mother, some neighbors, even the police – did nothing to try to stop it. Men were given a pass.

Trump revealed by his own words that he was a sexual predator. My father didn’t have a videotape with Billy Bush, but he kept a meticulous journal of all his conquests. When I found it after he died, I saw that my mother wasn’t his only victim. If he were alive today, I can imagine my father putting a Trump spin on it, “That never happened. Believe me, she was ugly and flat chested.”

And the women – Melania, my mother, and others – lack the courage to stand up to the monsters sleeping next to them or giving them a pass by chalking it up to "Boy talk."

But, understanding the roots of my Trump Trauma and writing this blog, my anxiety has lessened. Also helping has been the polls showing that others are crossing political lines making a statement that this behavior is not acceptable.

Unfortunately, there will always be men like Trump and my father. But if anything productive comes from this election, I hope there will be more honest conversations about them, and we will unite to help women protect themselves and their children from these men.

The Number One Tip to Being Funny

Have you ever bombed when trying to be funny?  OK, if you’re a comic, or a speaker, you probably are going to lie, right?

I’ll admit it – even, I, the author of "The Comedy Bible" have bombed.  Yes, I’m been in that "no-laughs" misery zone that segues into that “I-know-I-can-get-them” desperation mode.

It isn’t pretty.

Here are some of the STUPID THINGS that I have done when bombing:

1. I start pacing. The bad news is that I look like a moving target. The good news is that I’ve racked up 3.2 miles on my Fitbit. 
2. I start laughing at my own jokes. How phony is that? Obviously I’ve heard them before.
3. I talk faster. One time I finished an hours worth of material in 15 minutes. A big problem when you’re the headliner. Now what?
4. I walk into the audience to do crowd work. Not such a smart idea to get closer to the very people who hate you.
5. I talk louder. Yes… a middle-aged woman shouting is SO much funnier.
6. I start criticizing the audience. And we all know how well that works when trying to get someone to love you. 
7. I get dirty. Right! As if talking about pubic hair while people are eating nachos is attractive.

So, what is the number 1 secret to being funny? It’s to NOT TRY to be funny. Every time I haven’t done well, it’s because I wasn’t into what I was saying. I was just up there TRYING.  “Trying” is not BEING..

So, rather than going onstage thinking, “I’m going to try to get people to laugh”; go onstage to COMMUNICATE your point of view, your opinions, your message. Even if you don’t get laughs, you still will have a purpose. And most importantly, going onstage DOING rather than TRYING will make you authentic, and even get you laughs.

Some Day my Prince Will Come: Prince was my Prince

Opening for Prince was a peak moment in my standup career. He first burst into my life when I got a call from my agent to appear with this new singer-songwriter being described as a wunderkind at the world famous club, The Roxy, on Sunset Strip.

It was the late 80’s and I’d been warned by comic Ed Bluestone that a white Jewish comic (me) might not be ideal for Prince’s audience.  Challenged accepted! I needed a plan.

I got an idea.

I picked up my accordion and got to the Roxy early. Seeing people lining up for the show, I put on dark glasses and pretended to be blind, playing the song, “Lady of Spain,” over and over again for an hour. Some people were kind and threw quarters. As the line began to move, I could hear his hip fans comment, “Thank God we don’t have to listen to that crap anymore!”

When everyone was seated and psyched up to see Prince, the announcer said, “Now, opening for Prince is comedian Judy Carter.” I walked out on stage with the accordion and heard the entire audience exclaim in unison, “Oh shit!”

From that point on, it was a love fest between the audience and me. Supported by their enthusiasm, I was flying high. I didn’t want to end except that I couldn’t wait to tell Ed Bluestone that if there was actually a bridge, I’d crossed it and connected.

Later, Prince came into my dressing room and introduced himself. I was struck by how tiny is was. Onstage he’d had such a huge presence. It was obvious that he was painfully shy as he said, “Thank you for opening for me. You were really terrific.”

After performing more frequently, I learned that it was unusual for a headliner to watch the opening act, let alone speak to the underling. But Prince was unique – a kind, supportive, and generous man.
That led to me becoming the opening act for every African American act that appeared at the Roxy, including the Temptations, the Four Tops, the Manhattans and jazz singers like Clint Holmes and Esther Phillips. Those gigs were responsible for me getting a contract with Caesars Palace.

 Thank you, Prince. You will be sorely missed. Tonight I will party like it’s 1999.

Can Laughter be an Antibiotic for Pain?

Have you ever had a horrible day? A day that’s so horrible it’s funny? What is it exactly that turns life’s problems into punch lines?

I had one of those horrible days.

Used with Permission by Keep Calm Studios

It started with my Weight Watchers meeting weigh in where I gained 2.4 pounds. Really? And there is not much more I can take off during a weigh it. I mean, I even flossed. I had to face the fact that the only thing I can still fit into are my high school earrings.

So, I go upstairs to my bedroom and it stunk. My neighbor’s dog was over and pooped on my white carpet. That would not be so bad, but apparently right after that, my Roomba (an expensive, automatic robot vacuum cleaner) started and smeared crap EVERYWHERE.

It’s said that comedy is tragedy, plus time. But, at the moment of viewing my crap-streaked carpet, if someone had made a joke, I would have shouted in anger, “That’s NOT funny.”

But, a few hours after cleaning up the carpet and my Roomba, I posted it on Facebook and got a lot of laughs. 

There was no choice but to see if I could find the hilarity in this. Was there any way to go from being a drama queen to a comedy queen?

I remembered back to when I was in my 20’s and dating comic Andy Kaufman. He broke up with me, leaving me angry and bitter. I couldn’t stop obsessing about being dumped, until one night I went onstage at the Hollywood Improv and made a joke about it. 

Maybe the best was, “I was in love and we had one thing in common, we were both in love with HIM. I worshiped the ground he walked over me on.”

As the audience laughed, the pain went away. That’s perhaps when I realized that laughing at something can be the antibiotic for pain.

Please post about your horrible day in the comments. 

What to write comedy material? Find your message? Write a speech? View free videos at The Message of you University here.

Aerobic Laughing: A New Weight Loss Plan

Congratulations to Caitlyn Jenner. 

Looking at the upcoming Vanity Fair cover, I admired her courage to come out of shame and emerge as the person she was meant to be. We have all read about Bruce Jenner’s decades of living in a body that didn’t match who he knew himself to be. 

On some level, I can relate to that. With the risk of sounding shallow, I have had my own body image struggles and can identify with Caitlyn. I know this is far different from being transgender, but how often I have looked in the mirror and seen a stranger with belly fat and stretch marks. And, like my dogs, I, too, have nipples on my stomach. Inside was a skinny, glamorous woman, but nobody else was getting to see her.

Source: Courtesy of Cathryn Michon

One of the problems was my weight. It was always hard to shed those pounds. It only got worse after I turned 50, as my metabolism seemed to have taken an early retirement. I now have to jog five miles just to work off a tic-tac I ate in the 90’s. The only things that fit from my earlier years are my earrings. Like Vegas, what goes on in my body—stays in my body. 

I’d tried every diet, every pill, even Overeaters Anonymous—which doesn’t make sense—what’s so anonymous about it? You’re fat and everyone knows it. A lot of things didn’t work, but what finally did was laughing. The same techniques I used on stage as a standup comic proved to be fat fighters. Humor turned out to be the new secret weight loss method. You can literally laugh off your pounds.  

It’s no joke (excuse the pun)—laughing has been shown to boost your immune system and reduce both stress and physical pain. It also lowers your blood sugar levels. Dr. Helen Pilcher, a neuroscientist AND a comic (no, she doesn’t go by the name Shecky Pilcher), has found that laughing for one hour can burn up to 100 calories. And you don’t have to squeeze into spandex to laugh.

As soon as I stopped beating myself up about my body and started approaching food with a sense of humor, I lightened up—literally.

Here are a few steps to help you feel more confident, happier, and healthier:

1. Poke fun at your fat. When someone asked, “How are you?” instead of feeling ashamed of being overweight, I’d joke about it. “I’m only fifteen pounds away from what it says on my driver’s license.” Self-mocking is better than anything else for taking the heaviness out of the issue. 

2. Gain power over temptation. When you laugh at something, you have power over it. So rather than reach for that cookie, I take a picture of it. I put it on my phone. Let anyone show me a picture of a grandchild and I'll say, “I’ll show you something sweet.”

3. Have snappy comebacks for your inner heckler. As a standup comic, I know how to deal with drunk, abusive hecklers. But when it came to that nasty, defiant voice inside my head, I was never so quick. I let it cut into my confidence and would give up on dieting. Now, I pull a Donald Trump and tell the under-miner, “Hey, you’re fired!” I replaced that critical voice with a more upbeat, “Hey gorgeous, you’re going to be bikini-ready. You’re on the John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Amy Schumer Diet.”  You won’t, but if you should want to cheat on the diet, you can slip in a few moments of morose brooding. 

Should We Be Upset By Trevor Noah’s Controversial Tweets?

Trevor Noah is in hot water over a few not-so-hot tweets. The South African comic came under fire after Comedy Central announced he would replace Jon Stewart as host of The Daily Show. His offense: tweets that targeted Jews and women. What are your reactions to his posts? (Spoiler alert: fat chicks, Jewish chicks, and tight asses—be prepared to bristle. Proceed with caution.)

“'Oh yeah the weekend. People are gonna get drunk & think that I'm sexy!' - fat chicks everywhere”

“Messi gets the ball and the real players try foul him, but Messi doesn't go down easy, just like Jewish chicks. #ElClasico”

“Almost bumped a Jewish kid crossing the road. He didn't look b4 crossing but I still would have felt so bad in my German car!”

...Really?

I understand that when it comes to mass tweeting, they can't all be gems. And tweeting while drinking might be more hazardous than driving under the influence. Jeb Bush’s tech officer Ethan Czahor resigned (aka got fired) after people went through his backlog of tweets and found he had referred to women as “sluts” and also made derogatory remarks about gay men.

(BTW—at this point, how many of you are now mass deleting your drunken-attempt-at-humor tweets?)

But, should comics be held accountable when they push the edge of appropriateness? After all, we comics don’t have a HR department lording over us.

There was a time when nothing was off limits and comedy clubs were rampant expressions of homophobia and misogyny. Audiences now feel empowered to express themselves, as Jamie Foxx discovered at the iHeartRadio Music Awards when his opening monologue was booed. He’d gone after Bruce Jenner, who has been pictured everywhere as he is transitioning into a woman.

“We have some groundbreaking performances here, too, tonight. We got Bruce Jenner, who will be here doing some musical performances. He’s doing a his-and-her duet all by himself.”

“Look,” he added. “I’m just busting your balls while I still can.” – Jamie Foxx

Comedy is NOT about alienation, shock, or hatred. It’s supposed to be about laughter. And there is a basic rule to comedy—don’t tell jokes that further oppress people. So, a straight black male cannot make the other gender the butt of his jokes. Unless, of course, he reveals how ONE woman did him wrong and deserves ridiculing. The message is clear—joke fairly.

Richard Pryor broke the comedy race barrier joking about racism. One of his tamer jokes is:

“I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, ‘Ain’t this a bitch. I done died and wound up in the wrong muthafucking heaven.’”

He could say that because he was black. Taking a dig at your own kind is not a punishable offense, especially in comedy clubs. If Jamie Foxx identified as transgender, the audience probably would have laughed. He would have been taking a dig at himself. Note to Jamie: not too late.

Noah committed the same offense by taking cheap shots. He doesn't fall into any of those targeted categories. American audiences are balking that he’s taking over our coolest show. We want to trust the new host and believe he speaks for us.

Note to all late night talk show hosts: knock off the misogyny! Honor the legacy of Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, who made us laugh like crazy without offending women, Jews, or gays.

What do you think? Have you written some tweets that might get you into some hot water in a few years? I’m taking a poll—is it OK or not OK to laugh at this material?

Let me know in your comments.

Childhood Clown Trauma

Anyone else scared of clowns? On my recent vacation, a childhood trauma caused by Bozo the Clown resurfaced, making me wonder if we ever really get past childhood terror. One thing is for sure -- it's good for a laugh. Read More

Comic Without Borders Stops the Spread of Adultery

How many of us feel a responsibility to respond when we see someone getting hurt? We’re faced with the choice of taking action or turning away. This issue came up for me as I was overhearing a conversation at the next table at a restaurant between a 40 year old man and his young mistress. He was cheating and I had to do something about it... check out my blog on Psychology Today

Joan Rivers Put a New Face on Everything - Including Herself

"People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."

Joan Rivers changed my life… I was 8 years old, staying up late to watch Joan on Carson. Why? Because I had NEVER seen anything like her on TV.  She was Jewish. So am I! She looked like family. She could be the crazy aunt who insults someone and the next year there would be fights because...

Continue reading my blog at Psychology Today! 

Careers in Comedy: Sometimes the Worst Mess Leads You to Success

How do you know when it’s time to change your direction in life?  Are you going to keep waiting on tables, or should you GIVE UP on your fantasy career and do something else? How much longer do you stay with an agent who’s not getting you jobs? Are you better off in a so-so relationship, or is it smarter to LEAVE while you still have all your original parts? STAY OR LEAVE: a question that resurfaced over the holiday weekend. 

I’d been SO EXCITED as I arranged a 4^th of July vacation with my family in Big Bear -- hiking with the dogs, lying in a chaise lounge by the lake, sipping a drink, swimming. Then I saw the place. The Lake Front Lodge was a 3-STORY WALK-UP with nails sticking out of the plywood steps (I put the pictures up on my Facebook page). The room had curtains with BULLET HOLES; no, they weren’t lace. The one lamp was without a bulb. The bedspread, circa 1982 K-Mart, seemed to have holes from the SHRAPNEL, probably related to the curtain incident. There were no chairs by the lake, maybe because of the Hitchcock-like swarms of MOSQUITOES.  Swimming? Only if you could step through multiple CATFISH CARCASSES floating belly up on the shoreline.

So much for not checking Trip Advisor.

In one shattering moment, we discovered there were NO refunds, no other places available, and it started to STORM. Lightning, thunder, and a 4.8  EARTHQUAKE. The room was a crime scene, it was storming, our cellphones were beeping with an emergency flash flood warning – what next? Locusts, vermin, the slaughtering of firstborns? Did it make sense to STAY and smear the blood of a Paschal Lamb on my car? Or give up on the fantasy of what I had envisioned and LEAVE? We had to make a decision.

This reminded me of another time in my life where I had to make a decision to walk away or stay and make the best of it.

In 1989, I had a series of 10 stand-up comedy gigs booked by Rick Messina, who later became Drew Carey’s manager. I was staying in New York in the kind of neighborhood where even a schnauzer could get mugged, and that’s what happened to my beloved Walter, who got attacked by a pack of stray dogs. Cabs apparently don’t stop for bleeding animals, but I managed to get him to the animal hospital. Handing him over, I was crying as I told the doctors, “I can’t stay, I have to work!”

“This late? What do you do?” they asked.

“I’m a stand-up comedienne!” I said through my sobs.

At the time I had spent 17 years as a stand-up comedienne, sometimes 46 weeks on the road. This gig was in Long Island, a club called Governor’s, which somehow was a magnet for all the scum of the earth. I borrowed a jacket to cover my blouse that was caked with my dog’s blood. Making my way to the stage, I heard the crowd welcoming me with, “You suck! You suck!”

I plodded onstage, starting a joke, “I’m worried about getting old…” Someone shouted, “Getting old?” I was 34. Do I stay onstage and “get them” or end this misery and piss off everyone?

Then, I had a EUREKA MOMENT where time seemed to roll in slow motion. I saw their drunken faces as a blur. I saw my father’s face with his bloodshot eyes. Then it hit me – that making drunks laugh was something I did as a child at the dinner table. I realized NOW I am an adult with CHOICES. And that night, I made a DARING CHOICE – to LEAVE. I walked off stage, walked out of my contracts with Rick, picked up my dog, got a plane home to LA, and looked for something else to do with my career.  For a year, I thought about how I could reinvent myself. That led to launching my workshops, writing Stand-Up Comedy: The Book, and appearing on the Oprah Winfrey Show and getting booked in a career I didn’t know existed – as a CORPORATE SPEAKER.  

This is what came to mind while we were in Big Bear waiting for the mudslide to clear that had been triggered by the earthquake. Sometimes when dealing with bad situations, we forget that we ALWAYS HAVE A CHOICE.  As with poker, if life deals you bad cards, you can keep hoping that your luck will change, or fold.  I folded. I left Big Bear.

Back in the comfort of my own home, I took a bath in my CLEAN tub, went boogie-boarding in the ocean down the block, and felt sure I’d done the right thing. Knowing when to LEAVE is as important as knowing when to STAY.

Feel free to forward this to someone you know in a terrible marriage, dead-end job or whoever’s had too much cosmetic work done.

Is it better to be sorry about something you did, or something you didn't do? You have to DO IT to find out.

Will a Female Comic Ever Host Late Night?

The LA Times called CBS’s choice of Stephen Colbert to replace David Letterman, “Not a Conservative Choice.”

Really?  Come on.  I love Colbert, but casting another white male comic in the coveted Late Night hosting spot is as radical as choosing vanilla at 31 Flavors.

I was one of the few female comics touring clubs in the 80’s.  In 1986, I was doing my first comedy special for Showtime.  This was a big deal because it was produced by Paramount.  It was four comics, and I was the only woman on the show.  I was backstage listening to Howie Mandel introduce me:  “And our next guest is uh, ah, is a woman, she’s a woman!  And I know that cause I’ve seen her (two things that start with T) …. They’re real!  Here is Judy Carter…”

Yes, I was being introduced as if my gender was a gross abnormality.  Stomach churning, I summoned my courage and decided not to respond, certain that the producers would cut out the offending introduction.  But, they didn’t, as you can see here: http://youtu.be/o2lPBKyiWrs  (Please don’t judge the big hair).

So much has changed since the 1980’s.  We have an African-American president, female CEOs, and gay people can get married.  And, on late night TV, we have… wait for it… wait for it… all white guys with ties!

Really?  Have the career opportunities for funny females not improved in 30 years?  My friends are surprised that I’m surprised.  They refer to a comment by Eddie Brill, former talent booker for Letterman, who explained to the NY Times why he booked more male comics than female comics.  He said, “There are a lot less female comics who are authentic.  I see a lot of female comics who, to please an audience, will ACT LIKE MEN.”

This statement is confusing, as it seems that Mr. Brill LIKES male comics.  Wouldn’t “acting like a man” be an advantage for a female comic?  Unless, of course, funny females are being judged, not solely on their comedy talent, but on their f-ability.

Every time a comedy with women hits the big screen, such as, “Bridesmaids,” or “The Heat,” I get a call from the media asking me the same question: “Are women funny?”

I’ll tell you what ISN’T funny – that tired old question.

Yes!  Stephen Colbert is EXTREMELY talented.  So are Ellen DeGeneres, Chelsea Handler, Aisha Tyler, and many, many others.  Guess what?  You don’t need to go to the bathroom standing up to be funny.

But… on the positive side, (hey, I’m a motivational speaker now, I have to look on the positive side), when a door is slammed in our faces, a window opens.  That window of opportunity is the millions of people who LOVE female comedy.  And that’s why I, along with other funny women such as Jeanne Robertson, Amanda Gore, Loretta LaRoche, and others, get paid well to perform for audiences of over 2500 people.  Maybe it’s because audiences CAN’T see us on TV that they download our videos on YouTube, and come to see us live.

The good news is: capitalism trumps discrimination.

How to Deal with Difficult People: Use Stand-Up Comedy Techniques to Deal with Life's Hecklers

As a stand-up comic, I've had to deal with a lot of hecklers: audience members who feel the need to give me on the spot, negative feedback about my work -- usually starting with something constructive like, “You suck!”

When you’re performing the same shtick every night, for sometimes two, or even, three shows a night, having a heckler isn’t always as scary as it sounds. In fact, sometimes it’s a welcome opportunity for spontaneity.

After all, the odds are in my favor: I have skills developed from 35 years onstage, and hundreds of comeback lines in the joke Rolodex of my mind. Even more importantly, I have a mic in my hand. I might not always be clever, but I will be louder. When it’s me and the power of a sound system versus a really drunk person with nachos spilled in their lap -- I say, “Bring it on!”

But -- there is one heckler who still frightens me – because it’s the one heckler who usually whips my butt: the heckler in my own brain. She’s an inner voice that degrades me daily, and without mercy.

In the morning, I’m barely waking up and she’s in full force. “I thought you weren't going to have that cheesecake... and weren’t you supposed to stay away from tequila? Charlie Sheen has more self-control.”

“Oh – and, seriously – you have THIS splitting of a hangover from three shots of Patron? News flash: you’re a lightweight.”

I try to stumble to the bathroom, but we’re not done.

“P.S. -- watch out for that scale, jumbo. None of your clothes fit for a REASON.”

As I get ready to do a gig, with each joke I think of I hear, “Really? That tired bit again? You’re like a 1950s vaudeville comic – except you’re still alive.”

Right now, she’s trying to convince me to stop typing my blog.

“Stop frittering with this jibber-jabber and write something useful -- like a recipe book for breakfast cereals.”

As the day goes on, no wonder I feel depleted and defeated.

Lately, it occurred to me, why not use the same anti-heckler techniques I use onstage ... offstage? Why not have a comeback?

So, I say, “Breakfast cereals? That doesn’t even make sense. Who writes your material? Oh wait – I do ... bitch!”

“Prozac is your kryptonite ... isn’t it? One tablet and boom -- it’s a writer’s strike. No answer? Hmm ... maybe your teeny tiny portion of MY brain doesn’t have a comeback for that.”

Quiet. She's gone. It works!

You don't have to be in comedy to have hecklers. Hecklers can be your family, your customers, or even your boss. And in many of those cases, you can't really say out loud what you want to say. But – you can think it.

And, to those of you whose worst heckler is in your own head... don't let them have the last word.

Fight back. You’re building your sarcasm muscles. And just maybe, if you really get good at those heckler comebacks, you might want to use your skills to pay some bills.

Check out our free teleseminar on “How to Write for Late Night” with Gabe Abelson, former head writer for “Letterman."

Comedy in a Petri Dish

I just read that Virginia Johnson died. She was half of the team of Masters and Johnson, who did pioneering research on human sexuality. I once met them both, and her passing reminded me of that meeting – and of why sex and comedy don’t go together.

They’d seen my show at The Comedy Store, and they invited me to perform at their home in Las Vegas. The gig was for a lot of money, and I was thrilled, but not just because of the pay.

At the time, female comics were rare, and I did something audiences definitely did not expect from a woman comic: I performed magic tricks while talking about raunchy things.

(Now you understand why making the transition to corporate speaking was a bit of an adjustment for me: no magic tricks -- and definitely no raunchy stuff.)

Back then, in the days before “South Park” -- you could definitely get racy – but even in comedy clubs, you still had to be a little careful not to take things too far. So -- a comedy show for sex researchers – and their guests – seemed like the one place where I could perform completely uncensored.

When the weekend of the gig arrived, they paid for my flight to Vegas. The show was to take place in their large home, on their staircase, under a chandelier with 45 therapists watching from the room below. To me, it sounded like a slam-dunk.

I started my show with my first joke -- and no laughs. The second joke – and the third – also got no laughs -- so I broke away from my planned material and started trying to work the crowd.

I’m great at working a crowd, and it almost always loosens things up and gets them rolling.

(Did I say, “almost always?”)

The crowd was silent. There was a little bit of movement in the audience as some of the therapists took out small black binders and started jotting down notes. They’d nod a little at the end of each joke, look at each other with weird Freudian facial expressions, and write. But -- they never laughed.

Afterwards, they told me how interesting my show was, and how much they all enjoyed it. That’s when I realized why I was really there: to be studied and analyzed. I was a well-paid lab rat in an experiment about sexual humor.

How did I feel about that? Not so good.

But like the therapists and researchers, I also learned something from the experiment. Comedy can’t be dissected, analyzed, and philosophically contemplated like a science project -- and still be funny.

In my books, I do have comedy formulas for creating material -- but when that material is performed -- it’s passion and attitude that drives the audience to laugh. It’s also that same passion that fuels us to go onstage and weather possible humiliation for the chance to express ourselves – and if we’re lucky, to really connect with our audience.

Thinking too much about anything – instead of just living it, doing it, or enjoying it -- does the same thing to comedy as it does to sex: it takes away the unexpected, spontaneous, wonderful moments we all hope to experience.

Are you paralyzing yourself by over analyzing what comes next in your career – or are you taking action -- and living in the moment?

If what you’re doing now isn’t working, maybe it’s time to be a little more spontaneous.

The Simon Cowell of the Psyche

For you comics and speakers who stand in front of audiences, I'm sure you have all experienced: the inner critical voice. You know what I mean? The little voice that packs a big punch giving you an inner, blow by blow Simon Cowell commentary on your set, while you are doing your set. It s the inner voice that chastises you when you don t think of an absolutely brilliant comeback to a heckler; the voice that tells you that everyone hates you need a joke gets no reaction; the voice that interrupts your show to let you know that you are failing.

Whatever made you think that that was funny? They hate you! Well, you've really lost them now. The great acting teacher, the legionary Stanislavski said this to an actor, If you feel it and the audience feels it, that s good. If you feel it and the audience doesn t, that s bad. But if you don't feel it and the audience does, that's good too. Really? Can a performer so misgauge their own perception of how a show is going? Yes. Your inner critic is probably wrong most of the time.

I had a real test of this when my best friend saw my speech last weekend for John Deere in Palm Springs. It was a difficult gig as it was outside, so I couldn t hear the laughs. During the first 20 minutes, my inner critic was going at full blast. I felt unconnected to the audience, awkward, and my material felt stale. Around the half way point, I hit new material that I felt connected to and the voice finally stopped.

Afterwards I asked my friend who has heard me speak many times if she noticed how awkward the first part was. She told me that not only couldn t tell, but she was surprised at my perception as she thought that I got everyone engaged right at the start.

So, it helps to know that that voice is not reality. It rarely is. If your inner critic is telling you that everyone hates you, ignore it as nobody really cares enough about a speaker or a comic to hate them. Indifference yes, but rarely hate.

Judy Carter teaches speaking and standup comedy workshops. She is the author of The Comedy Bible as well as Speaking Career in a Box DVD series and workshop on how to earn six figures in the professional speaking profession.